


The Ghost of My First Love

by Purpli



Series: Kamuegi Week 2020 Purpli Edition [5]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: "Ghost" Sayaka, Angst, Blood, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Graphic Description of Corpses, M/M, Makoto Needs Therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26172703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purpli/pseuds/Purpli
Summary: There's a ghost in the shower, she spits out blood and accusations with a smile on her face.Makoto hides his feelings and she spits them right back up.Makoto needs someone else to save him from himself.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Kamukura Izuru/Naegi Makoto, Hinata Hajime/Naegi Makoto, Kamukura Izuru/Naegi Makoto, Maizono Sayaka/Naegi Makoto (implied crushes)
Series: Kamuegi Week 2020 Purpli Edition [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1895113
Comments: 4
Kudos: 101
Collections: Kamuegi Week 2020





	The Ghost of My First Love

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Blood, PTSD, Semi-Graphic Description of Dead Body
> 
> Day Five: Scars

Showers were always hard during and after the Killing School Life. Despite the need to be clean, Makoto tried to avoid showers for as long as possible.

Sometimes, Makoto would enter the shower and Sayaka would be there. 

But her eyes weren’t closed, they were open and blank. Film was over them, but she was somehow able to see.

“So you think you can just move on?” Sayaka always asked, voice gurgling with the blood in her throat. “Did I even mean anything to you, Makoto?”

When Makoto first saw her, he screamed, but that was a long time ago.

For a while, he used to entertain “her” questions but now he just ignored “her”.

“You’re a coward,” she would hiss. “You couldn’t even save me, you couldn’t save anyone.”

He tried telling himself that she was wrong because he had saved his friends.

“You saved five people,” Sayaka corrected. “And that was because they tolerated you.”

Makoto didn’t think he could shower tonight. It seemed the shower was occupied.

“Makoto, are you alright in there?” a worried voice asked, knocking on the door softly. “You’ve been in there for a while and I haven’t even heard the water run.”

Makoto blinked, tears escaping his eyes.

“Has it been that long? Sorry, I zoned out,” Makoto replied quickly. “I’ll be out in ten minutes, just let me shower quickly.”

“What, do you want me to make room?” Sayaka asked, laughter clawing its way out of her throat. “Who cares if they think you smell gross, your outsides will finally match your insides.”

“Shut up,” he whispered. “You’re not real.”

She tilted her head, blood flowing out of her mouth as she smiled, baring her teeth. “I’m not? Are you so sure about that, Makoto?”

Makoto stared in horror, she looked so alive and dead at the same time. She leaked blood out of her mouth and the wounds in her chest.

“You’re nothing, Makoto,” Sayaka said. “You’ll never be anything.”

Makoto felt sick to his stomach, could he really shower today? “Please, just leave me alone.”

“But I thought we were friends, Makoto,” she said, her voice a pitch too high. “Remember our school days? Where we almost dated?”

“Did that mean nothing to you, Makoto?” Sayaka asked, training her dead eyes onto him. “I know you quickly replaced me, but still.”

“It wasn’t like that!” Makoto yelled, tears starting to flow from his eyes. “I had to move on, Sayaka.”

“Did you even care at all?” Sayaka asked. “Or were you only thinking of yourself?”

Makoto backed away to the door. “I’m sorry, Sayaka.”

Sayaka began to get up, slowly limbering to where Makoto huddled. Blood dripped from her wounds, an audible drip with every step she took.

She leaned over Makoto, cold breath caressing his neck as she whispered in his ear, “You’ll never be anything more than a murderer, Makoto.”

Makoto did the only rational thing he could think of, he screamed. Loudly.

The person at the door was back, banging with much more fervor.

“Makoto, please move away from the door so I can open it!” the person yelled, voice sounding a bit desperate.

Makoto could barely breathe, limbs shaking, but he managed to pull himself away from the door.

The person opened the door immediately, wrapping Makoto in their arms.

Makoto sagged in relief, sobbing into their chest earnestly.

“S-she was h-here,” Makoto hiccuped out. “S-she was h-here and I m-murdered her…”

“You’re okay,” the person soothed. “She was never here, Makoto.”

“I c-could’ve s-saved her,” Makoto screamed. “I c-could’ve saved a-all of th-them…!”

“Th-they were my f-friends… I s-should’ve tried h-harder…!” Makoto screamed, voice becoming hoarse. “It’s n-not fair…!”

“Makoto, you tried your hardest.” the person said, voice becoming colder. “You can’t be expected to save everyone.”

Makoto gasped, holding onto the person for dear life. He wasn’t worthy of his title of the “Ultimate Hope”, who had he saved? 

He was going to be sick, so much blood was on his hands.

All of his friends who he found guilty and sent to their executions, all of his friends who he saw mutilated and was powerless to stop.

Everyone relied on him for no reason, everyone saw something in him that wasn’t there.

He wasn’t the “Ultimate Hope”, he didn’t know what he was but he was sure it wasn’t that.

“Makoto, please talk to us,” the person pleaded. “Just say anything, anything at all.”

“H-Hajime…” Makoto gasped out. “Y-you and Izuru sh-shouldn’t have to deal with this, with m-me…”

“No, that’s wrong!” Hajime said. “We l-love you… so of course we’re going to stay for all parts of you.”

Makoto paused at Hajime’s confession of love, still hiccupping and faintly sobbing. “R-really?”

“Don’t make me repeat it twice,” Hajime grumbled, pulling Makoto closer.

“We are worried about you,” Izuru said. “You don’t have to deal with this alone.”

“It usually i-isn’t this bad,” Makoto defended, sniffling. “I don’t know w-why it just hit me h-hard today.”

“You should’ve told us about this sooner,” Izuru said, pulling Makoto away to stare at him. “This isn’t something you need to hide.”

“But I’m supposed to b-be better than this,” Makoto said, eyes somehow tearing up. “With everyone r-relying on me, I can’t just…”

“You experienced something traumatic in the Killing School Life,” Izuru said, attempting to comfort. “It’s expected of you to be affected in some way.”

“But,” Makoto began, before being harshly shushed by Izuru.

“You’re allowed to feel things, Makoto,” Izuru said. “If anyone ever tells you otherwise, they’re wrong.”

“It just doesn’t feel like I should get to be happy,” Makoto admitted softly. “I know it’s probably wrong, but why should I be happy when most of my friends are dead…?”

“You can live for your friends,” Izuru replied. “They would’ve wanted you to be happy.”

“Yeah!” Hajime agreed. “No one would want to see you sad, Makoto.”

Makoto frowned at them before burying himself back into their now wet shirt. 

It didn’t feel right to be able to move on from everyone’s deaths, especially Sayaka’s. 

But he also knew it wasn’t healthy to hold onto the guilt forever, he had to become a better person for his alive friends and himself.

“You’re right,” Makoto muttered. “I just don’t know where to start.”

“You’ve got us,” both Hajime and Izuru said. “You’re just going to have to take the first step.”

Makoto was scared of moving on, terrified he’d lose the bits of himself that were from before the Tragedy.

But that wasn’t right either. Those parts were already hidden in trauma, trauma that had become so closely attached to the Makoto Naegi he was today.

There was a comfort in his misery, he realized. But there was also a comfort in the warm embrace he found himself in.

“Alright,” he said slowly, gulping down his fears. “I want to get better.”

“We’ll help you,” Hajime and Izuru promised. “You’re no longer alone, Makoto.”

**Author's Note:**

> Isn't it weird how in THH the only doors he reacts to are Sayaka and (maybe) Leons? Everyone else gets some standard text but Sayaka and (maybe) Leon have Makoto reacting.
> 
> There's proof of personality somewhere in canon if you dig really hard.
> 
> I originally went with the Future Foundation theme but couldn't think of anything to write, so now we have this! 
> 
> (Is it obvious I like to take my frustrations out on Makoto?)
> 
> Working Title: "Makoto: Become Human With Emotions"


End file.
